ODE TO PUPPIES

1. Chewed up underwear/feminine hygiene products/poop from the backyard

is NOT a "toy" to be offered to guests.

2. I am not an alarm clock. The human does *not* need to be woken at the

same time *every* day.

3. I do not have to mark my human's car as my territory.

4. I do not need to dribble my last drink of toilet water all over

Mommy's bed.

5. I do not need to soak my Vermont Chewman toys in the toilet.

6. I understand that while I think it's great fun to drop my

rope/ball/bone

in the toilet while Daddy or a male guest is using it, Daddy

doesn't like it and will fuss at me.

7. I will not assume the reflection from Mom's hand-held makeup mirror

is an intruder and try to attack it.

8. I will not bowl Mom over and run into the house before she bends over

to wipe all my muddy paws.

9. I will not bury my gooey chewy in my Mommy and Daddy's bed.

10. I will not carry my Chewman by the crotch. It makes male guests

nervous. Especially when the female guests begin to chuckle.

11. I will not chew my chew hoof under the middle of Mom and Dad's king

sized bed at 2 a.m.

12. I will not curl up in the basket while Mommy is trying to fold the

laundry.

13. I will not dig to China through *anybody's* garden.

14. I will not do the "dog sled" (drag my behind) across the carpet

while guests are present.

15. I will not drink sloppily from my water bowl and then run up to

Mommy to give her a big wet kiss.

16. I will not drool over the computer keyboard while my human is out of

the room getting a beer.

17. I will not drop soggy tennis balls in the underwear of someone who

is sitting on the toilet.

18. I will not empty my glands while we are all in bed under the covers

at 6 am

19. I will not expose myself to female visitors.

20. I will not get in the dryer and steal all the clean underwear to

make sure it is really clean.

21. I will not go and lick, sniff, or disturb Mommy/Daddy while they are

sitting on the toilet.

22. I will not hide Mom's slippers any more.

23. I will not insist on getting under the covers, staying under them

ten minutes, then come rushing out because I'm too hot.

24. I will not jump into bed, flatten my ears, lick Dad's face and look

searchingly into his eyes to see if Mom has permanently damaged him

immediately following Mom and Dad doing their thing.

25. I will not jump on guests and boink them in the groin with my nose.

26. I will not jump on the bed and wash Dad's pillow anymore.

27. I will not leave balls on the stairs.

28. I will not lick Mom's toes while Mom and Dad are doing their thing.

"Newfoun